Numb or Done?!?!?

It's the holiday season...I am beginning to hate that time of year. It used to be a time that I looked forward to, but the last few years has changed that for me. And, I don't know if I should blame anyone one thing or person for it, or if I should blame myself.

Is there a certain age when a single person should completely remove himself from the family circle? I am 27 and am finding it more difficult each year when it comes to showing up to my parents house. I feel that I am an adult and should be respected as such...not treated as though I am a child since I don't have a spouse or children. I can't help but wonder if there is a commencement ceremony for adulthood...if so, when and where is it?

How does one create distance between an emotional wound and its creator? How does a child forget years of memories and friendships since it is evident that those days are over? What fills the void that is created with the absence of a parental friendship? What is unconditional love...and did I ever have or receive that?

These are all questions that have been burning my mind since I returned home from my parents' house last night. I guess I will never understand the dynamics of being a parent...sometimes that saddens me. But, I wonder how a parent can automatically believe their beliefs when her child is completely different from what she was taught to be truth. Is it just wishful thinking for me to want my mom to investigate more about the issues that effect my life than for her to just assume she has all the answers to any question that might be posed against her?

I also wonder if Biblical literalists have become the "pharisees" of our day. I know a bunch of people who say they believe the Bible is literally true but I am finding some great inconsistencies.

Taken literally, the Bible says the earth is flat and setting on pillars and cannot move (1 Chr 16:30, Ps 93:1, Ps 96:10, 1 Sam 2:8, Job 9:6). It says that great sea monsters are set to guard the edge of the sea (Job 41, Ps 104:26) According to the Bible, the sun moves around the earth, not the other way around (Josh 10:12-13). We all recall from history, the fate of Galileo and Copernicus for their blasphemous claims that the earth is round and that the earth goes round the sun. However, in this day and time, I have never met anyone who seriously contends that the world is flat on authority of the Bible.

There are a multitude of laws given in the old testament which literalists don't take literally: food laws, laws about clothing, laws relating to nearly every detail of life in at the time the old testament was written. But there are laws given in the new testament that almost no one takes literally any more. For example, Jesus forbids his followers from swearing oaths of any kind (Matt 5:34) and Jesus instructed his followers to cut off their hand if it led them into sin (Matt 5:30).

But there are other passages of scripture which those who claim to believe that the Bible is literally true do not take literally. For example, in Mark 16:16 Jesus said, "He that believeth and is baptized shall be saved; but he that believeth not shall be damned," yet most fundamentalist evangelicals hold to the position that baptism is not necessary for salvation and I Cor 15:29 refers to baptism for the dead, a practice which is repudiated by most Biblical literalists.

Makes me wonder: So if these people don't really believe the Bible is literally true, why do they say they do? What do they mean when they say the Bible is literally true? There are several reasons people claim the Bible is literally true.

1. Most people who believe the Bible is literally true have never really thought about it to see if that is a sensible thing to believe or not. A trusted pastor repeatedly claimed that the Bible is literally true and frequently condemned people who don't believe the Bible is literally true as tools of satan and unbelievers in danger of eternal damnation. These people know they don't want to be one of the infidels, so they agree that the Bible must be literally true.
2. A lot of people who say they believe the Bible is literally true have either not read the Bible or have not read the Bible critically examining each verse to determine if it can be taken literally. Some of these people read the Bible through, cover to cover, every year, but reading the Bible through is not the same as critically examining each verse to determine if it can be taken literally.

3. Many people who believe the Bible is literally true mean that they believe in
* a literal 6 day creation (just say no to evolution),
* a literal world wide flood with a literal boat large enough to hold contained two of every animal on earth,
* a literal parting of the red sea with a high wall of water on each side like in the movie,
* etc.
* They select certain verses and passages and believe those passages and stories are literal and ignore the rest. This is "pick and choose literalism." The parts of the Bible you agree with you take literally, the parts you disagree with must be interpreted symbolically or metaphorically.

4. A lot of people don't have any idea what it means to believe that the Bible is literally true. A friend and I got into a discussion about literalism one evening not long ago and his understanding was that large sections of the Bible had to be interpreted symbolically and metaphorically (like the parts about the earth being flat) but that once you figured out what the symbolism was then that was literally true. At that point in the discussion I realized that he didn't believe the Bible was literally true either but it was clear he'd never admit it to me or to himself.

But there are a good many individuals who have read and studied the Bible carefully, who have seminary degrees, who can read the original languages, who know the history of the canon, who know something of archaeology and the culture and history of Bible times who still teach and preach that the Bible is literally true. Why do these people keep saying it?

When someone says they believe the Bible is literally true, they mean you are not allowed to disagree with them or question their beliefs. They use literalism as a defense, as a security blanket, to avoid having to think about or defend their beliefs. Some individuals use Biblical literalism as a cudgel to keep their followers in line. Their sermons that appeal to literalism imply that "if you disagree with me you are a tool of satan, an unbeliever in danger of eternal damnation." In some cases this is simple demagoguery.

For the Bible to be true it must be interpreted correctly. Over the centuries, many horrific things have been done in the name of the Bible, spanish inquisition, crusades, slavery, repression of women, burning witches, etc. The problem is not God, the problem is incorrect interpretation of scripture.

Literalists say, there is only one possible interpretation and that is the one I believe.

I can't help but wonder, "So whose interpretation are we supposed to accept? How do you interpret the Bible correctly?"

Only by much prayer, study, and through the guidance of the Holy Spirit

We never have had a complete or perfect understanding of God and God's laws. So it is not surprising that things we used to think were wrong or right are now thought of differently. Over the years our attitudes have changed dramatically toward things like going to the movies, listening to the radio, dancing, alcohol consumption, divorce, slavery.... These changes don't mean that we are less moral or have abandoned God's laws, but rather that we have a better understanding of how God's laws apply in our lives today. In addition it is reasonable to expect some things that are considered right today will be considered wrong in the future and that some things that are considered wrong today will be considered right at some time in the future. It made good sense for there to be a law against eating pork in old testament times when most pork was infected with dangerous microorganisms. But todays animal husbandry and food preparation techniques make that law irrelevant.

So how can "Christian" people cast judgment on those who don't believe exactly what the christians want them to? My great-grandfather was a member of the KKK. He was also a baptist pastor...a respected spiritual leader. Did time and "evolution" of society not prove that the Bible shouldn't be taken 100% literally?

I am finding myself becoming very distant from those who are so stooped in their religion that they can't see past the ink on the page to see the Christ that lived those passages.

WHAT'S GOING ON?!?!?!?!?!

The weekend

So after the week I had last week, I decided to have a relaxing fun weekend for myself. On Friday night, I ordered pizza and relaxed. Then on Saturday, my family celebrated my mom's 53rd birthday. My dad smoked brisket and bologna and we had a nice late lunch. Then that night, I was bored, so I dragged my Christmas trees out of storage and put them up. I love Christmastime. There is magic in the air, and I love how everything has an extra special look. I have three trees. I have one 6 foot tree, a 4 foot tree and a 3 foot tree. Here are the pictures:

The Littlest tree:

The Mid-sized tree:

And this is my big tree:

I am sure many will think I am completely insane for putting my trees up so early, but it was a great way for me to relax and be happy without spending one penny. I have the next two months to put out all my decorations, but I wanted to get my trees up this weekend.

Oh yeah, I also got a new piece of furniture this last week. A friend of mine was moving and didn't have room at her new place and didn't have room in her storage for this vanity. I have always thought it was beautiful, so she gave me first dibs on it! I am excited! Here's its picture:

I hope everyone has a great week! ;-)

Two-faced

Current mood: pissed off

I realize, to a certain extent, we are all two-faced. We all have to put on different masks for the different scenarios with which we are presented. I realize we are a different person at work than we are at home. We have a complete different vocabulary used there, I mean no in my family would understand the terms: optimization, keywords, page ranking, targeted traffic, etc. We go to church and use another set of terms: hallelujah, adoration, back-slidden, etc. We can pick different places, and I am convinced that we are different people for different places. I don't necessarily think that is a bad thing, we just naturally do that.

Here's the problem I have... Why should we be someone completely different with our own family? Are these people supposed to be the people who know us most intimately? Are we not supposed to be understanding and honest with family? Shouldn't we be empathetic and "soul-knowing" of those who share the same blood line as us?

I am pissed that I was fooled by a family member. I was blamed for something that had nothing to do with me other than orientation, and when I showed up to visit with family, everyone acted calm. Then I get to work today and find out that I was/am being blamed for something that happened. Seriously, I wish if someone has an issue with me, they would state it instead of being distant and implying that they are just tired. And, who gives others the authority to cast blame before finding out who instigated anything? Above all, we all need to remember that no one is without fault. I think I do a pretty good job at showing my real self. For years, I played the game of hiding myself, my thoughts and my attitude. But the last two years has been a great learning experience. I am a more effective person because I am not trying to fool myself or even my family. I cannot help that some people don't have the balls to be who they truly are. I cannot help that people don't have the balls to actually speak what they truly believe. I cannot help that some people don't have the nerve to actually look me in the eyes to see who I am and what I actually believe. I cannot help that some people don't have the balls to be honest with themselves, and better yet, God.

I know how difficult and scary it can seem to face honesty for the first time. I've been there done that...And I might add, it wasn't my choice to be honest. If I'd had my way about it, I would have stayed closeted until after those who I thought would "crucify" me had long passed away. I was busted out of the closet by the one who chooses to be dishonest and two-faced with me. However, as much as I wish I would have had the nerve/guts/balls to be honest with myself and family, I felt I couldn't...so in a way I understand. But since I have faced reality and honesty, I know it truly is the best policy.

I am sure this seems vague, but whatever....I had to vent somehow. I'll just say this: it is a sad day when those who give off the air that they are God's greatest Christians can't even face honesty. How do they ever plan on being effective in "the Lord's work?"

Sorry for venting...but whatever......

Mundane

Mundane....that seems to describe life to a "T" right now. My 27th birthday came and went. Although it can be depressing that I am another year older, and it seems none the wiser, I was quite pleased that nothing eventful happened on the 29th.

I think my birthday is a cursed day.... More than 1/4 of my birthdays have been bad...so I am always a little skeptical when my birthday rolls around. Even though I didn't do anything spectacular, I did get to bed early and had a full night's rest. My family and I celebrated the day before. It was the first time I have ever had a decorated cake that was bought...so that was exciting!

This last Sunday, I sang in church. The last time I had done that was Easter...I know that might not seem like a long time, but when one considers that I used to sing everyday, 7 months is a long time. It was a great service, and I was honored to be a part of it all. I enjoy being back in music. But, I am extremely nervous to be a part of the band since it is not the style of music I am accustomed to.

I am still loving my scooter. It is nice being able to get to places real quickly. I also like being mobile. I have been able to be a little more social with friends and different functions they host. This last week, I was able to go to friends' houses to watch the 2 presidential and vice presidential debates. Of course, being here in Celina, I am one of 2 people my age who are democrats. That's ok...I am confident that God will open the eyes of those who can't see the light yet...ha ha ha.

I am not a sports fan...never have been one, but tomorrow night, I am going to a pre-UT/Oklahoma game party. It should be fun. It will be at the home of the pharmacists here in town. My family always roots for Oklahoma, but everyone here in Celina backs UT. Thankfully I don't follow sports so no one expects me to support any certain team.

Well, I should get back to my mundane life..... Have a great day!

And so life goes on...

Last week, I was seriously asking God to come back. I was so sick of the rat-race that life presents itself as at times. But, like all things, I survived. There were some glimpses of God showing his love and care for me through it all too!

On Friday as I was finishing up my work for the week, my boss pulls up on his Vespa scooter. He is gone this week, and wanted to tell me some final stuff before he left. As he was leaving, he tossed me the keys and told me to keep it for the weekend. Then he asked if I was interested in buying it. The Vespa is great for my situation. It does not require a drivers license or insurance. It goes at normal in-town speeds. He told me he'd sell it to me for $850. Then he told me I could even make payments, so that I wouldn't be stretched for cash.

I woke up on Saturday morning and received a text from my boss letting me know that I am receiving a raise for being with the company for over a year. That will cover my payments, plus a little extra for 8.5 months! Now, I am not strapped to being here in the "Celina Metrolex." ha ha ha

Isn't it funny how we as humans are not able to see past our seemingly insurmountable situations? I was ready to give up last week, but God reminded me that he's still in control and is still looking out for me.

The situation with my electricity is fixed. I got power again on Thrusday. I was able to put a stop payment on my original electricity payment. I did loose the food that was in my refidgerator...but that's okay. I was probably needing to clean it out anyway. My grandmother is here from California, and she decided to buy me and my brother James tons of groceries. So overall, I came out better than I started the week. Looking back, I shouldn't be surprised, but I am.

I am reminded of a verse in the bible...Psalms 66:12. It says: You have caused men to ride over our heads; we went through fire and through water: but you brought us out into a wealthy place.

It's so true...right?

The harder I try....

Ok, I think I am about to give up....Give up on adulthood, that is. It seems the harder I try to be responsible and make the best choices, the more opposition I find in my way. I got home from work last night to find that my electricity had been turned off. It seems that they never received my payment. I use a power company where I didn't have to put down a deposit. Which is cool, but that means that if payments are late, then the power gets turned off. So, I had to make a payment over the phone. When I asked what will happen if/when they receive my check, I was told they will go ahead and deposit the check. It will be posted as a credit to my account. Which, if I had the cash to burn, that would be great. However, I don't have the extra $175 to just double pay an electric bill in one month.

Last night was quite interesting at my place. I lit candles and relaxed on the couch with my dog. Cappie has been the best little friend in the world. I can hold her and she makes me smile. I totally understand why dogs are called man's best friend. I love snuggling with her in the mornings and playing with her when we first wake.

I cut and colored my friends hair last night too. She is getting married, so since she is getting all new dishes and kitchen stuff, she gave me her old stuff. I love getting new-used stuff like that. I am not going to use the dishes she gave me everyday, but I don't think one can have too many dishes. I never know when I will have company and might need an extra plate or an extra bowl. She also gave me a set of mixing bowl...I LOVE MATCHING MIXING BOWL!!!! They are white with a blue ring around the top of it.

I went home during lunch to check and see if my power is back...and it is not. I want to cry.....

This time of year

There is something about a change in weather that brings a smile to my face. I was doing laundry last night and this morning before work, and as I was folding shorts, I wondered if I would be wearing them anymore this year. Last night, I turned the air conditioner completely off and opened all the windows to my place. I slept so good last night. I think it was the combination of the cool, fall-like weather and the fresh air that filled my home.

While getting ready for work this morning, I turned to a different side of my closet...the long sleeved section. I enjoy cooler weather more than I do warm weather. Strictly on the side of fashion, I have more clothes to support cool/cold weather than I do summer wear.

I think there is something about the brisk air that takes me back to when I was about 5 years old. My family lived in Fresno, California. I remember getting ready to go to kindergarten. My dad always woke us up every morning. He worked nights, so his time to spend with us was waking us up and getting us ready for school. I remember wearing short sleeved shirts, but inthe mornings as we were walking out the door and going to school, I would freeze. By the end of the day, I was glad I wore short sleeves.

I guess this weather makes me a little nostalgic. I want to go buy a pumpkin...not that I would eat it or carve it into a jack-o-lantern. I want to simmer apple cider on the stove. I can't wait to start seeing the leaves drastically change their colors. I look forward to wearing sweaters. For me this is the perfect time of year.