Calling myself into conference

I was home by myself last night. Brooke was at her boyfriend's and I was home with Cappie and Punk. I watched Dancing with the Stars, then the night was empty. It gave me a lot of time to think. Normally, I keep myself busy so I don't have to think too much. But, last night I had a little conference with myself to set some short term goals.

1. Finances - Brooke has informed me that she wants to move. So, I look at this as an opportunity to set up to the plate and buckle down and actually live by a budget. I feel that I am progressing from where I once was, but there is still room for improvement. I have decided that I must be more aggressive about making sales calls. Comfort can be so crippling at times, and I don't want to be guilty of being comfortable.

2. Fitness - Over the last three years, I have gone from 192 pounds down to 170. Sure that is great, but I know that I am not at my healthiest weight. I want to be at 165. I know this doesn't sound like a lot, but I have hit that plateau at 170. So, I have decided to take up walking. I am going to start walking (very briskly) Monday, Wednesday, and Friday mornings. I haven't adjusted any physical activities..no pain no gain (not literally...not wanting to gain...just lose)

3. Family - I am learning that, even though we have the same blood running through our veins, we can be completely different. And, that's ok. We all have differences that help build up the family. I guess I am having to change my way of thinking on somethings.

Well, I hope everyone has a fantastic day. It is raining here in Celina, but that won't stop it from being a great day.

Laying a part of me to rest....

I have never been good a grieving. I am too emotional of a person to grieve properly. I try not to deal with raw emotions...sometimes it hurts too badly.

I never looked at growing up as putting to rest my youth. I'm not saying I am getting old, simply life changes as one gets older. One of the aspects of my youth is the close relationship I had with my parents. I depended on them relentlessly, and they did the same with me...so much so that most would say we were way too co-dependent. Coming out has put a damper on our relationship. But, the part that really upsets me is that fact that I have never changed...I just became audible. Voicing what my true identity is has been a truly freeing action. I hear the phrase "Hate the sin, Love the sinner" often. It totally puzzles me. This phrase has been over used. I am told I am wrong for "coming out." However, I am not in a relationship right now, I do not frequent gay bars/clubs, and I am not living a promiscuous life either. At what point has the title become a sin instead of an action? Am I sinning by saying I am gay? Or is it the act of sex that is a sin? I don't know! I am so exhausted about thinking about this that at times, I don't care anymore.

Honesty -- I crack up with disbelief when I listen to my past being used against me. Of course I was dishonest, I was too scared not to be. The last two years have shown me how important being honest really is. I will be the first person to tell you that I have made horrible mistake in my past, but the process of learning from past mistakes has taught me a lot. Life is a process. I can't go back and change past regrets...I can learn from those mistakes and make sure the future is not littered with the same obstacles and lessons that haunted my past.

So, in a way, this weekend felt sort of like a funeral. I had to lay to rest the thought of having a close friend relationship with some family and realize that I have beautiful and vivid memories for a reason. Some friendship are only for a season. That hurts. But that's life, I guess.

I hope everyone has a beautiful day. Take sometime to realize that life is a beautiful gift, it's ours from God!

Frustrations......

Julie, let me preface this by saying this has nothing to do with you....I truly appreciate your love and prayers. I just have a few frustrations with others.....

I am irritated
Current mood: irritated

I understand that many people do not see eye to eye with me on different issues that concern my life. I don't want people to automatically believe that I am correct. It took 25 years for me to build my beliefs. The only thing that I request is that I be given enough credit that I have a relationship with God, and that I experience Him on a daily basis. I have not thrown away all the morals and guidelines to live life by that I was taught as a child.

I am really having a difficult time with people that openly claim the title "Christian." Why am I so wrong that I am open about my life? I am sick of "judgment" being camoflauged as "Expressed concern." I am truly grateful for prayers...that is completely different. But, at the same time, I would like to offer to those people that I am praying that God opens their minds and hearts to see that God is so much bigger than what has been the "norm" for years. I know God has a plan for me...I believe I am fulfilling it.

For years, I have always felt that I was a second-rate Christian...that I was constantly backslidden. I never looked at God as a compassionate being that has my best intentions at heart. But, now I do. I believe God is big enough to change me...I have prayed for years for that to happen. It never has. I would stay depressed when I would pray and plead with God to change me. I was so depressed that a couple of times I tried taking sleep aid to sleep my way to heaven. GOD WAS BIGGER THAN THAT TOO!!!!! I have to believe that God created me, the way I am, who I am and what I am for a specific purpose. I totally understand the process of surrendurance. Not to a lifestyle or to a person or to a life of sin...but a surrendurence to the life I was created to live.

Again...I am not saying to have to agree with everything I say....More than likely, you will say stuff that I don't agree with, but that is the process of life. We are not an island unto ourselves. We cannot create a society of clones who live the same life, believe the same views, and go to the same church (if go to church at all).

Here's the deal...God is big enough to have a specifically unique relationship with me. My relationship with God has nothing to do with my parents...after all, God doesn't have grandchildren. Just because I have different beliefs than my parents, doesn't mean that I am far from God. That also doesn't mean that I live a heathenistic lifestyle. Christians paint me in a stereotype that is so false...I have never been a promiscuous person. Whatever...I am to the point where I don't give a rip anymore.

And, no, I do not go to church any longer. I am out on parole for time already served. i didn't miss more than two Sundays in a row in over 23 years. I have separated God from what is known as the church today. In a Utopia, the church would be the spiritual hospital of the community. It also was the charity provider for the community. Widows and orphans were wards of the church. However, the church has stepped aside from these areas and focus more on raising more money to build bigger buildings with wonderful technology, sound equipment, soft pews/chairs, beautiful vestibules, ornate pastor's studies, mission trips to other countries when our country is in dire need. How am I so wrong for believing that through the years, and I mean hundreds of years, the translation of the Bible to English (which was the 16th language to translate to) might have had a few words that didn't not translate precisely. I have found 3 studies that say that the word "homosexual," as we know it to today: two men living in a committed relationship, is not found any where in the original text of the Bible. Play the game where you whisper a phrase into a person's ear and watch it go around the circle...see how much the phrase changes by the time it gets to the end of the circle.

I hope I have not offended anyone by my remarks, but if I am obligated to listen to "Christians" tell me I am wrong, I need some venue to vent my frustrations.

I hope everyone has a Fabulous weekend.

It's a new month!

It is a new month....where did April go? I barely remember it being April. But, alas, May is here, and I am so grateful for the beautiful weather we are having here in Celina. But it is not conducive to my work task. That is the cross I am called to bare...ha ha ha.

The house keeper comes tomorrow. I always laughed at people who would clean their house before the house keeper comes, but I have become one of "those" people. I need to go home today after work and clean the kitchen. I don't clean everything...just the kitchen and make my bed. Everything else is supposed to get cleaned. She doesn't do dishes. I am so grateful for the toilet, floors, and dusting getting done. It really does take a load off me.

I am looking forward to a quite evening tonight. Nothing planned, just a good evening off with my baby, Cappie. She still brings a smile to my face every time I see her. She is 6 months old now, so I need to take her to get fixed soon. It makes me sad to think that she will have to have surgery. I might see if my friends could take her for me, so I won't get too upset.

Well, I am gonna get ready to go home. It is a beautiful spring evening. God is good for giving us these special evenings!

Mornings

I am not one to give out advice...I hardly think I have enough wisdom or knowledge to pass on. But, I am gonna give this one piece of advice: Get up early enough in the morning to enjoy it. The last two mornings, I have set my alarm to get up one hour early. Yesterday was hard in the afternoon. I got so tired. I went ahead and kept my alarm set for the same time. I love spring mornings.

I went over to mt parents' house last night for dinner. I had made a pork roast, but didn't want to eat it on Sunday. So, we heated it up and ate it last night for dinner. It turned out pretty good. Then Dylan and I practiced his music. I am trying to remember all the tricks that my professors in college taught me. He is gonna do great. After singing, we watched Dancing With The Stars. I think the end has come for Priscilla Presley.

Well, i am gonna get some work done! Happy Tuesday!

So Long Weekend!

It is a beautiful day here in Celina! I want to stay outside for the rest of the day. During lunch today, I went over to Todd and Ali's house.(Brooke's Parents and my boss) They gave us an over-sided chair. It is smaller than a Love seat but can sit two people closely. So, that means I got to rearrange my house a bit. I moved my rocking chair to my room. I am so glad about that. I like having a chair in my bedroom.

This weekend was my best-friends bachelorette bash. It was a lot of fun. I love the city life. I loved looking out the balcony and seeing beautiful buildings. We were across the street from where the news is filmed. It was cool!

I am playing the piano for my brother, Dylan, this weekend. He has a solo/ensemble contest on Saturday. I am looking forward to it. Dylan is singing Bette Midler's, Wind Beneath My Wings. So, I am taking a roast over to the family's house. It will be a fun evening. I feel like I haven't seen them in a while.

Well, I should probably get back to work, but the beautiful afternoon is making me want to go outside. I hope you are enjoying the afternoon too!

Tornado?

Ok, so supposedly there was a tornado just down Preston Road from us yesterday. But get this...we barely got any rain. The cloud went right around us. I could see the clouds from my desk yesterday, but they never came to us. It was amazing.

I have a cat. She stays outside. Punk (Brooke's cat) doesn't like to have other cats around. I named her Lady DeVil. She is beautiful. She is blond with ice blue eyes. She was the neighbor's cat, but after they were evicted, they didn't take the cat with them. So I bought a bag of food on Saturday for her. She is a sweetheart. Punk hisses at her through the window. I kinda like that I say that I have a dog and cat. Cappie is the most perfect little puppy for me; she makes me smile, especially when I need it most. And I look forward to waking in the morning to get up and greet Lady DeVil with her breakfast. I have only claimed her for a few days, but I find her sitting in my chair in the carport waiting for me already. The feeling of being needed and wanted is great!

I ate dinner with the parents and the kids last night. Dad had fixed a roast. I love roast. We started watching Dancing with the Stars last night. I watched about 30 minutes, but then got tired and went home. I kicked my feet up and read the rest of the evening. Amazon.com has got me hooked on reading.

Hope everyone has a great day!