It's been a long time...

It has almost been a whole year since I last posted on this blog. I have never been good at maintaining a blog. I think the idea is novel, but it is a task that I often neglect when my mind is in a funk.

So much has happened in the last year. But at the same time, I feel the same feeling of "Ho-hum, nothing happens in my life." I remember as a child, I would wish I had an exciting life. It always seems that I live in a boring town, working a boring job, being boring with all my boring friends. Here's what is interesting though: my siblings think I have an exciting, fun-filled life. If only they knew the truth. But, I guess if I was their age, I would probably think that my life is interesting. It is nice to have them around to remind me that a dull life doesn't mean that it isn't significant and fun.

Back in the spring, my mom found out that her cancer is back. Her breast cancer has metastasized to the bone. She is now stage 4. We aren't really sure exactly how much longer she will be with us. I am quite shocked and numb about it all. I am actually surprised that I am becoming angry about it all. And I am not sure why. I always looked up to my mom as a child. She could do not wrong in my eyes, and I would defend her against everyone when people decided to disagree with her. There was/is no other woman in this world who is as beautiful and graceful as she is in my eyes. Some of my earliest memories as a child is sitting on the toilet while she got ready for the day. I would just watch her as she did her hair and put on her make-up. She would never leave the house (even to take us kids to school or pick us up) without looking spectacular. I picked that habit up from her. To this day, I feel that I need to be the best version of myself before I leave the house. She and I loved to dream....and we'd dream about everything. We would talk about the younger siblings before they were born. When my mom was pregnant with my sister, we would sit in her nursery and just imagine what my sister was going to look like. I loved how my mom and I would decorate for the holidays. It used to be a family ordeal, but after we all got a little older, my mom and I became in charge of transforming the house into a holiday wonderland. Many quirks/habits I have now, I distinctively remember my mom being the same way.

About 3 and a half years ago, when I came out, my mom and I had a melt-down in our relationship. She, being a Christian and a devout baptist, cannot allow herself to be accepting of that in me. And, I cannot allow myself to be put back into the closet in which I lived for 25 years. I remember before I came out and my mom had her first bout with cancer, I had decided to stay closeted...I didn't want there to be any issues that would hinder my mom's and my relationship if we only had a few moments left together. Unfortunately, we cannot plan and make life happen the way we want.

I guess the reason I am becoming angry is because I feel that we are running out of time to restore the friendship we used to have. She was my best friend for 25 years. She could look at me from across the room and know my mood and mind. And, in return, I could do the same to her. All of our likes and dislikes are the same. Our creative ideas are very similar. My mom would have an idea, and I could execute it!

I am being told over and over from friends and family that I do not want to have any regrets. And I totally agree...I don't want to have them. But how? I have become very good at not blowing up and getting into tense arguments. But at what point does one dig his heels in and make his voice heard?

I can't help but wonder, "Does Mom miss me and the friendship we once had?" "Will she ever understand who I am?" "Will she ever accept me for who I am...not for who she had planned for me to be?" "Will I be able to breath when she is no longer?"

My mind races constantly. We all realize that there is less time together, but my greatest question is: DOES SHE WANT ME TO AN ACTIVE PERSON IN THE LAST MOMENTS OF HER LIFE. Since we have broken off our codependent relationship, have I been replaced?

There are 8 children in my family. As a child, I never worried about having the attention of my mother. But the older I get, I wonder if I have been moved to the curb, like some recyclable magazine that is way past it's date. I know there are younger siblings that haven't had as much time with my mom as I have had, but still, does that mean that my time has been used up? If so, that raises another question: was the relationship I had as a child worth more than being close to her in the autumn season of her life?

I have always heard that there aren't enough hours in a day, but my question is, "Are there enough days in a lifetime to get over the past to preserve what's left of the future?"

Yes, my mom and I can fight hard, but I truly hope we can love even harder! I don't want regrets and I don't want to lose my identity....