Numb or Done?!?!?

It's the holiday season...I am beginning to hate that time of year. It used to be a time that I looked forward to, but the last few years has changed that for me. And, I don't know if I should blame anyone one thing or person for it, or if I should blame myself.

Is there a certain age when a single person should completely remove himself from the family circle? I am 27 and am finding it more difficult each year when it comes to showing up to my parents house. I feel that I am an adult and should be respected as such...not treated as though I am a child since I don't have a spouse or children. I can't help but wonder if there is a commencement ceremony for adulthood...if so, when and where is it?

How does one create distance between an emotional wound and its creator? How does a child forget years of memories and friendships since it is evident that those days are over? What fills the void that is created with the absence of a parental friendship? What is unconditional love...and did I ever have or receive that?

These are all questions that have been burning my mind since I returned home from my parents' house last night. I guess I will never understand the dynamics of being a parent...sometimes that saddens me. But, I wonder how a parent can automatically believe their beliefs when her child is completely different from what she was taught to be truth. Is it just wishful thinking for me to want my mom to investigate more about the issues that effect my life than for her to just assume she has all the answers to any question that might be posed against her?

I also wonder if Biblical literalists have become the "pharisees" of our day. I know a bunch of people who say they believe the Bible is literally true but I am finding some great inconsistencies.

Taken literally, the Bible says the earth is flat and setting on pillars and cannot move (1 Chr 16:30, Ps 93:1, Ps 96:10, 1 Sam 2:8, Job 9:6). It says that great sea monsters are set to guard the edge of the sea (Job 41, Ps 104:26) According to the Bible, the sun moves around the earth, not the other way around (Josh 10:12-13). We all recall from history, the fate of Galileo and Copernicus for their blasphemous claims that the earth is round and that the earth goes round the sun. However, in this day and time, I have never met anyone who seriously contends that the world is flat on authority of the Bible.

There are a multitude of laws given in the old testament which literalists don't take literally: food laws, laws about clothing, laws relating to nearly every detail of life in at the time the old testament was written. But there are laws given in the new testament that almost no one takes literally any more. For example, Jesus forbids his followers from swearing oaths of any kind (Matt 5:34) and Jesus instructed his followers to cut off their hand if it led them into sin (Matt 5:30).

But there are other passages of scripture which those who claim to believe that the Bible is literally true do not take literally. For example, in Mark 16:16 Jesus said, "He that believeth and is baptized shall be saved; but he that believeth not shall be damned," yet most fundamentalist evangelicals hold to the position that baptism is not necessary for salvation and I Cor 15:29 refers to baptism for the dead, a practice which is repudiated by most Biblical literalists.

Makes me wonder: So if these people don't really believe the Bible is literally true, why do they say they do? What do they mean when they say the Bible is literally true? There are several reasons people claim the Bible is literally true.

1. Most people who believe the Bible is literally true have never really thought about it to see if that is a sensible thing to believe or not. A trusted pastor repeatedly claimed that the Bible is literally true and frequently condemned people who don't believe the Bible is literally true as tools of satan and unbelievers in danger of eternal damnation. These people know they don't want to be one of the infidels, so they agree that the Bible must be literally true.
2. A lot of people who say they believe the Bible is literally true have either not read the Bible or have not read the Bible critically examining each verse to determine if it can be taken literally. Some of these people read the Bible through, cover to cover, every year, but reading the Bible through is not the same as critically examining each verse to determine if it can be taken literally.

3. Many people who believe the Bible is literally true mean that they believe in
* a literal 6 day creation (just say no to evolution),
* a literal world wide flood with a literal boat large enough to hold contained two of every animal on earth,
* a literal parting of the red sea with a high wall of water on each side like in the movie,
* etc.
* They select certain verses and passages and believe those passages and stories are literal and ignore the rest. This is "pick and choose literalism." The parts of the Bible you agree with you take literally, the parts you disagree with must be interpreted symbolically or metaphorically.

4. A lot of people don't have any idea what it means to believe that the Bible is literally true. A friend and I got into a discussion about literalism one evening not long ago and his understanding was that large sections of the Bible had to be interpreted symbolically and metaphorically (like the parts about the earth being flat) but that once you figured out what the symbolism was then that was literally true. At that point in the discussion I realized that he didn't believe the Bible was literally true either but it was clear he'd never admit it to me or to himself.

But there are a good many individuals who have read and studied the Bible carefully, who have seminary degrees, who can read the original languages, who know the history of the canon, who know something of archaeology and the culture and history of Bible times who still teach and preach that the Bible is literally true. Why do these people keep saying it?

When someone says they believe the Bible is literally true, they mean you are not allowed to disagree with them or question their beliefs. They use literalism as a defense, as a security blanket, to avoid having to think about or defend their beliefs. Some individuals use Biblical literalism as a cudgel to keep their followers in line. Their sermons that appeal to literalism imply that "if you disagree with me you are a tool of satan, an unbeliever in danger of eternal damnation." In some cases this is simple demagoguery.

For the Bible to be true it must be interpreted correctly. Over the centuries, many horrific things have been done in the name of the Bible, spanish inquisition, crusades, slavery, repression of women, burning witches, etc. The problem is not God, the problem is incorrect interpretation of scripture.

Literalists say, there is only one possible interpretation and that is the one I believe.

I can't help but wonder, "So whose interpretation are we supposed to accept? How do you interpret the Bible correctly?"

Only by much prayer, study, and through the guidance of the Holy Spirit

We never have had a complete or perfect understanding of God and God's laws. So it is not surprising that things we used to think were wrong or right are now thought of differently. Over the years our attitudes have changed dramatically toward things like going to the movies, listening to the radio, dancing, alcohol consumption, divorce, slavery.... These changes don't mean that we are less moral or have abandoned God's laws, but rather that we have a better understanding of how God's laws apply in our lives today. In addition it is reasonable to expect some things that are considered right today will be considered wrong in the future and that some things that are considered wrong today will be considered right at some time in the future. It made good sense for there to be a law against eating pork in old testament times when most pork was infected with dangerous microorganisms. But todays animal husbandry and food preparation techniques make that law irrelevant.

So how can "Christian" people cast judgment on those who don't believe exactly what the christians want them to? My great-grandfather was a member of the KKK. He was also a baptist pastor...a respected spiritual leader. Did time and "evolution" of society not prove that the Bible shouldn't be taken 100% literally?

I am finding myself becoming very distant from those who are so stooped in their religion that they can't see past the ink on the page to see the Christ that lived those passages.

WHAT'S GOING ON?!?!?!?!?!

The weekend

So after the week I had last week, I decided to have a relaxing fun weekend for myself. On Friday night, I ordered pizza and relaxed. Then on Saturday, my family celebrated my mom's 53rd birthday. My dad smoked brisket and bologna and we had a nice late lunch. Then that night, I was bored, so I dragged my Christmas trees out of storage and put them up. I love Christmastime. There is magic in the air, and I love how everything has an extra special look. I have three trees. I have one 6 foot tree, a 4 foot tree and a 3 foot tree. Here are the pictures:

The Littlest tree:

The Mid-sized tree:

And this is my big tree:

I am sure many will think I am completely insane for putting my trees up so early, but it was a great way for me to relax and be happy without spending one penny. I have the next two months to put out all my decorations, but I wanted to get my trees up this weekend.

Oh yeah, I also got a new piece of furniture this last week. A friend of mine was moving and didn't have room at her new place and didn't have room in her storage for this vanity. I have always thought it was beautiful, so she gave me first dibs on it! I am excited! Here's its picture:

I hope everyone has a great week! ;-)

Two-faced

Current mood: pissed off

I realize, to a certain extent, we are all two-faced. We all have to put on different masks for the different scenarios with which we are presented. I realize we are a different person at work than we are at home. We have a complete different vocabulary used there, I mean no in my family would understand the terms: optimization, keywords, page ranking, targeted traffic, etc. We go to church and use another set of terms: hallelujah, adoration, back-slidden, etc. We can pick different places, and I am convinced that we are different people for different places. I don't necessarily think that is a bad thing, we just naturally do that.

Here's the problem I have... Why should we be someone completely different with our own family? Are these people supposed to be the people who know us most intimately? Are we not supposed to be understanding and honest with family? Shouldn't we be empathetic and "soul-knowing" of those who share the same blood line as us?

I am pissed that I was fooled by a family member. I was blamed for something that had nothing to do with me other than orientation, and when I showed up to visit with family, everyone acted calm. Then I get to work today and find out that I was/am being blamed for something that happened. Seriously, I wish if someone has an issue with me, they would state it instead of being distant and implying that they are just tired. And, who gives others the authority to cast blame before finding out who instigated anything? Above all, we all need to remember that no one is without fault. I think I do a pretty good job at showing my real self. For years, I played the game of hiding myself, my thoughts and my attitude. But the last two years has been a great learning experience. I am a more effective person because I am not trying to fool myself or even my family. I cannot help that some people don't have the balls to be who they truly are. I cannot help that people don't have the balls to actually speak what they truly believe. I cannot help that some people don't have the nerve to actually look me in the eyes to see who I am and what I actually believe. I cannot help that some people don't have the balls to be honest with themselves, and better yet, God.

I know how difficult and scary it can seem to face honesty for the first time. I've been there done that...And I might add, it wasn't my choice to be honest. If I'd had my way about it, I would have stayed closeted until after those who I thought would "crucify" me had long passed away. I was busted out of the closet by the one who chooses to be dishonest and two-faced with me. However, as much as I wish I would have had the nerve/guts/balls to be honest with myself and family, I felt I couldn't...so in a way I understand. But since I have faced reality and honesty, I know it truly is the best policy.

I am sure this seems vague, but whatever....I had to vent somehow. I'll just say this: it is a sad day when those who give off the air that they are God's greatest Christians can't even face honesty. How do they ever plan on being effective in "the Lord's work?"

Sorry for venting...but whatever......

Mundane

Mundane....that seems to describe life to a "T" right now. My 27th birthday came and went. Although it can be depressing that I am another year older, and it seems none the wiser, I was quite pleased that nothing eventful happened on the 29th.

I think my birthday is a cursed day.... More than 1/4 of my birthdays have been bad...so I am always a little skeptical when my birthday rolls around. Even though I didn't do anything spectacular, I did get to bed early and had a full night's rest. My family and I celebrated the day before. It was the first time I have ever had a decorated cake that was bought...so that was exciting!

This last Sunday, I sang in church. The last time I had done that was Easter...I know that might not seem like a long time, but when one considers that I used to sing everyday, 7 months is a long time. It was a great service, and I was honored to be a part of it all. I enjoy being back in music. But, I am extremely nervous to be a part of the band since it is not the style of music I am accustomed to.

I am still loving my scooter. It is nice being able to get to places real quickly. I also like being mobile. I have been able to be a little more social with friends and different functions they host. This last week, I was able to go to friends' houses to watch the 2 presidential and vice presidential debates. Of course, being here in Celina, I am one of 2 people my age who are democrats. That's ok...I am confident that God will open the eyes of those who can't see the light yet...ha ha ha.

I am not a sports fan...never have been one, but tomorrow night, I am going to a pre-UT/Oklahoma game party. It should be fun. It will be at the home of the pharmacists here in town. My family always roots for Oklahoma, but everyone here in Celina backs UT. Thankfully I don't follow sports so no one expects me to support any certain team.

Well, I should get back to my mundane life..... Have a great day!

And so life goes on...

Last week, I was seriously asking God to come back. I was so sick of the rat-race that life presents itself as at times. But, like all things, I survived. There were some glimpses of God showing his love and care for me through it all too!

On Friday as I was finishing up my work for the week, my boss pulls up on his Vespa scooter. He is gone this week, and wanted to tell me some final stuff before he left. As he was leaving, he tossed me the keys and told me to keep it for the weekend. Then he asked if I was interested in buying it. The Vespa is great for my situation. It does not require a drivers license or insurance. It goes at normal in-town speeds. He told me he'd sell it to me for $850. Then he told me I could even make payments, so that I wouldn't be stretched for cash.

I woke up on Saturday morning and received a text from my boss letting me know that I am receiving a raise for being with the company for over a year. That will cover my payments, plus a little extra for 8.5 months! Now, I am not strapped to being here in the "Celina Metrolex." ha ha ha

Isn't it funny how we as humans are not able to see past our seemingly insurmountable situations? I was ready to give up last week, but God reminded me that he's still in control and is still looking out for me.

The situation with my electricity is fixed. I got power again on Thrusday. I was able to put a stop payment on my original electricity payment. I did loose the food that was in my refidgerator...but that's okay. I was probably needing to clean it out anyway. My grandmother is here from California, and she decided to buy me and my brother James tons of groceries. So overall, I came out better than I started the week. Looking back, I shouldn't be surprised, but I am.

I am reminded of a verse in the bible...Psalms 66:12. It says: You have caused men to ride over our heads; we went through fire and through water: but you brought us out into a wealthy place.

It's so true...right?

The harder I try....

Ok, I think I am about to give up....Give up on adulthood, that is. It seems the harder I try to be responsible and make the best choices, the more opposition I find in my way. I got home from work last night to find that my electricity had been turned off. It seems that they never received my payment. I use a power company where I didn't have to put down a deposit. Which is cool, but that means that if payments are late, then the power gets turned off. So, I had to make a payment over the phone. When I asked what will happen if/when they receive my check, I was told they will go ahead and deposit the check. It will be posted as a credit to my account. Which, if I had the cash to burn, that would be great. However, I don't have the extra $175 to just double pay an electric bill in one month.

Last night was quite interesting at my place. I lit candles and relaxed on the couch with my dog. Cappie has been the best little friend in the world. I can hold her and she makes me smile. I totally understand why dogs are called man's best friend. I love snuggling with her in the mornings and playing with her when we first wake.

I cut and colored my friends hair last night too. She is getting married, so since she is getting all new dishes and kitchen stuff, she gave me her old stuff. I love getting new-used stuff like that. I am not going to use the dishes she gave me everyday, but I don't think one can have too many dishes. I never know when I will have company and might need an extra plate or an extra bowl. She also gave me a set of mixing bowl...I LOVE MATCHING MIXING BOWL!!!! They are white with a blue ring around the top of it.

I went home during lunch to check and see if my power is back...and it is not. I want to cry.....

This time of year

There is something about a change in weather that brings a smile to my face. I was doing laundry last night and this morning before work, and as I was folding shorts, I wondered if I would be wearing them anymore this year. Last night, I turned the air conditioner completely off and opened all the windows to my place. I slept so good last night. I think it was the combination of the cool, fall-like weather and the fresh air that filled my home.

While getting ready for work this morning, I turned to a different side of my closet...the long sleeved section. I enjoy cooler weather more than I do warm weather. Strictly on the side of fashion, I have more clothes to support cool/cold weather than I do summer wear.

I think there is something about the brisk air that takes me back to when I was about 5 years old. My family lived in Fresno, California. I remember getting ready to go to kindergarten. My dad always woke us up every morning. He worked nights, so his time to spend with us was waking us up and getting us ready for school. I remember wearing short sleeved shirts, but inthe mornings as we were walking out the door and going to school, I would freeze. By the end of the day, I was glad I wore short sleeves.

I guess this weather makes me a little nostalgic. I want to go buy a pumpkin...not that I would eat it or carve it into a jack-o-lantern. I want to simmer apple cider on the stove. I can't wait to start seeing the leaves drastically change their colors. I look forward to wearing sweaters. For me this is the perfect time of year.

Back in the old habit...

Ok, so yesterday I did something I swore I would never do again. I went to an audition. The church where I have been attending was having auditions for their band. I haven't really been active with music since before Easter of this year. That might not seem like a long time, but for someone who used to vocalize all the time, it seems like ages to me. I was so nervous too. I felt like I was back in college auditioning for different choirs, musicals, and operas.

I asked my sister, Alyssa, to come with me to the audition. I don't know too many people at the church, so I wanted someone with me that I knew. We got to the church at 3 in the afternoon. I was expecting the auditions to go quickly. But, it didn't...I think I finally sang at about 4:45. To add to my nerves, when I sat at the keyboard to play and sing one of my pieces, the ear monitor didn't work. I was only supposed to do a sound check, but since everything was going "ok" I played and sang the enitre song. The song I played and sang was the old hymn, "It Is Well With My Soul." Then I got up to the microphone to sing my other piece, "You Raise Me Up," and the disc was scratched, so it skipped quite a bit of the introduction. It also had some kind of popping noise going on too. Again, I was just supposed to do a sound check but since I didn't know if the disc would play completely, I went through the entire song. I guess it turned out ok. The music director at the church told me that he would be in touch with me to start getting me incorporated with the band. So, I guess that means I made it. I was so stricken with anxiety. There were a couple of times before I sang where I wanted to run to the restroom to puke...but I didn't. I did, however, manage to get a horrible headache last night. Hopefully that will be the last audition I ever have to do the rest of my life.

I have sang hundreds of times before large groups of people, and I get nervous, but not nearly as bad as I did yesterday. I hate being on display for people's criticism. No...no one criticized anyone, but I think we all know how judgemental humans can be.

When I was finished auditioning, I went out to the foyer where everyone else was at. This man I go to church with asked me how long I have been singing. I counted up the years...18 years!!!! That makes me feel old. Then I counted up how many years I have been playing the piano, and that was 11 years. When I had to verbalize those numbers, it made me realize that I am not quite as young as my mind thinks it is. After I heard this one lady play the piano, I couldn't believe that I had the nerve to play myself for one of the pieces I did. Oh well...at least piano is not my primary instrument.

I am looking forward to getting back into the music field. I think I sang more yesterday just practicing than I have in about a year. My voice is terribly out of shape. But, hopefully that will soon change. I miss reading music and singing harmonies. It will be fun to get back into the swing of things.

My mom and grandma are getting back from Arkansas today, so this evening, I will go over to the parents' house to visit with them for a while.

Well, I hope everyone is having a great day! 'Til next time....

The Tuesday after Labor Day....

I love having holidays spaced throughout the year, but I always look back at the weekend after one has passed and wonder, "Where did the Holiday go?" It was a great weekend though. On Friday night, Alyssa and I decorated for our friend, Danielle's bachelorette party. Then on Saturday, we cooked and and finished the decorating just in time as guest showed up. We had a great meal of ham, chicken pot pie, salad, pasta salad, mash potatoes, corn on the cob, rolls, and Magnolia cupcakes for dessert. We had a fun night that ended up in the pool.

Sunday and Monday, I spent a lot of time with my family. We are getting ready to go to Oklahoma tomorrow for the birth of my brother Eric's son, Jesse Ray. I am not sure of all the exact details other than we are leaving Celina at 8 tomorrow morning and won't get back until late Thursday night. While we are there, my Grandma from California will arrive, so there will be around 25-30 family members that I will be visiting with in the next few days. My brother Scott is also showing up for the birth. I guess we will be having somewhat of a reunion. Eric's wedding was the last time all my siblings and parents were together.

I am glad the heat of the summer is almost over. It has been warm (quite warm) and humid the last few days. I like having breaks in the heat and today we got one. It is overcast and windy today. My favorite weather. I just wish I had motivation to work during days like today.

When I was a kid, my mom started a tradition that I have always loved. At dinner each night, we had to name one blessing from the day, one disappointment and one anticipation. Today, I am blessed that I had a nice lunch with friends, Finances disappoint me (ha ha ha), and I am looking forward to seeing family tomorrow!

Hope everyone has a great day!

Tummy Ache

So when my alarm went off this morning, I was made aware that my stomach was not in a good mood. It has been aching and cramping all morning. I don't know what is wrong...I think I might be dying....ha ha ha It is still rainy here, maybe my stomach was trying to tell me to take the day off.

People can be so confusing. I am sure most would say the same about me. But, the older I get the more I try to be understanding of others. Here's the problem with that: I can't understand what is not me...make sense? Actually that might have seemed a little self-centered/involved, but I think we are all that way. I think subconsciously, we all expect others to see every situation the way we do. However, when I take a look at my family, friends, social network, etc, I see a wide variety of political, religious and moral values. Somehow, I fit right in the middle. Isn't that a weird thought?!?! I once heard that we, as humans, are nothing more than the compilation on the positive influences of others. The older I get, the more I understand what that phrase means.

Age...No one ever prepared me for my late 20s. I have learned that there are different stages to life. There are the baby to kindergarten age. There's the elementary age, junior high, then high school. There's the college age, then the 20s hit. My early 20s seem like ages ago, my mid 20s seem a while back and I feel that my late 20s is cleaning up the mess that all the previous years caused. Do I dare wish for my 30s to get here, or does it just get worse?!?!?! ha ha ha

Well, I hope everyone has a fantastic day. I hope your stomach doesn't hurt like mine.... 'Til next time...Bye!

It's a rainy day here in the big city of Celina. I always have the hardest time peeling myself out of bed when I hear the rain falling on the roof. I was hoping that I would have recuperated from the weekend by this morning, but obviously, I have not.

This last weekend, my brother, sister and I sent my parents away for the weekend to celebrate their 35th anniversary. They went to a cabin in east Texas. It was fun being able to prepare the trip for them. Alyssa and I went grocery shopping on Friday night. We made sure they had food that they normally do not get since there are so many kids to buy groceries for. They left Saturday morning and came home Sunday night.

I "watched" the younger kids this weekend. I didn't stay at their house since my place is only a couple of blocks away. I wouldn't say that I had to keep a close eye on them, but the knowledge that I was responsible for 4 younger kids made my anxiety rise. Overall, it was a good weekend. I had the kids come over to my place for a while on Saturday. I had to clean my house, so I turned a movie on for them and cleaned around them. After church on Sunday, we went back to my parents house and had chili dogs. Afterwards, I rallied the troops to get in gear and clean my parents' house. I told them it would be their anniversary gift to my parents. It worked...we got it all cleaned within 3 hours. The power of teamwork!!!!

I want to get a big mug of hot cocoa, a good book and a blanket. Today would be a great day to relax while it pours outside. Try to stay awake and enjoy your day!

Nothing....

Ever have those days/weeks when it seems like nothing is really happening? That is where I have been the last week or so. I am grateful that I have finally slowed down, but it seems like now I have nothing to work on in my spare time. I can only clean my house so many times in one week. I can only cook enough food that I will eat before it goes bad. There are only so many movies I can watch before I go insane.

I have been doing some reading. I love the book I am reading, but I can't read too much of it at one time. I get so mentally exhausted from it. However, I am learning to view my relationship with God completely different. I am learning that I need to have an equally important relationship with God the Father, Jesus and the Holy Spirit. I think too many times we don't think that a close relationship with Jesus and the Holy Spirit are as important. I know that a relationship with Jesus is mandatory for salvation. But, too many times we get saved and then we focus more of our attention on God the Father. I know I pretty much just push the Holy Spirit over to the "conscience" category. The book I am reading is teaching/reminding me that a real "human" relationship is needed with all three.

I am celebrating my one year anniversary here at the office this week. I can't believe it has been a whole year. I look back to who I was and where I was when I first started here and I see that God has brought me so far, both professionally and personally.

My sister and dad were in a wreck yesterday morning. Some guy didn't see the...IN A BIG SUBURBAN!!!! He pulled out and t-boned them. Poor Alyssa was so scared. Thankfully, they are both ok. I gave my dad a little grief for not calling me...I found out through a lady that works across the street from me. I have come to the conclusion that my family has very bad car karma -- if there is such a thing. I am sure State Farm hates seeing the name "Pevehouse" come across its desk.

Well, I am gonna get going...almost lunch time. Oh yeah, I think I have kinda stalled on Slim Fast. I still have a case in my fridge, but food is so comforting right now. Oddly, I think I have lost some weight being off Slim Fast. Hmmm...who'da thought?!?! Hope everyone has a great day! Take time to see God the Father, God in Jesus, And God's spirit...they are all there!

The Shack

About a week and a half ago, a friend of mine told me about this book. She said that I'd enjoy it, and that you reevaluate the way you look at your relationship with God. Like the norm, I read the email and took a look at the website...But I figured, "it's a religious book, probably not my style of literature." On Saturday, another friend of mine came over for a visit. She said she started reading it the day before and was almost finished with it. She said I had to read it. So after church yesterday, she dropped it off at my house. I started reading it. I was wrong. This is the perfect book for me to read. It is an allegory. However, the characters of God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit are made into people who we can easily understand their significance, personalities, and heart. I have read up to chapter 8. I wish I didn't have to work so I could keep reading. I had to admit that at times I felt like my heart was being ripped out. I've cried, learned some lessons, and have had to search my own mind, heart, and life to see how I actually view God.

So I have been in my head the last day or so.... I was glad to get back to work and start clearing my thoughts.

I had a productive weekend. Saturday morning, I had breakfast with my family. I love biscuits and gravy. Then my sister, brother and I went to Wal-Mart. It was one of those shopping trips where I had to get necessities: laundry detergent, cleaning supplies, etc. I spent more money than I wanted, but at least I am stocked for a while. I also bought some paint. I have wanted to paint a wall in my place for a while now, but never had until this weekend. Shane and I got the wall painted. It is like a denim blue. I like it...I think. I like that there is color on at least one wall now. Slowly, my home is starting to look more like me.

My sister-in-law and niece are flying back from Maryland today, so I will be seeing them this afternoon and evening. I love visiting with Whitney. She has really become a great person, not just for my brother, but for the whole family. She is a sweet person who accepts people for who they are. Can't wait to see them today!

Well, I should get busy with work. Get the book, read it...you'll be glad you did.

Don't look Pegs

I went to Oklahoma this weekend. We had the Pevehouse family reunion. It was great getting to see some people i hadn't seen in years. I usually don't go to family reunions. That might sound bad, but I know some distant cousins could careless about seeing me, since we don't actually "know" each other. One thing that is nice about a big family, someone might not know me, but they at least know "I came from Doug."

One of my favorite memories about going to Oklahoma is that my Granny loves garage sales. My Papaw would joke every time they passed one while driving. He'd yell, "Don't look Pegs." I don't think he minded Granny garage sale-ing, but it is a cute memory I have about them.

I picked up the "garage sale bug" from Granny. On Friday, my friend, Alyssa, and I got lunch at Sonic (again, not a Slimfast) and we drove all over town to the garage sales during lunch. We were getting sad since we came to the last one and still hadn't found any treasures. It is a good thing we hadn't got anything yet, because we needed our cash for this last sale. I ended up spending $70. But, I got some great deals on some beautiful antiques.

I love antiques. I love that furniture used to be made to last forever. I love that people used to buy furniture and they expected to not have to buy a replacement a few years down the road. I know that they don't seem modern, but to me, they seem classic and timeless.

I got 4 new pieces of furniture for my home: A cabinet that now sits atop my sideboard/buffet, an accent table that has beautiful in-laid wood decals, a victrola cabinet, and a desk. The desk was a harpsichord (supposedly from the 1800's) that was gutted and turned into a desk. I love them all. But I think my desk is my favorite. I am using the victrola case to store my sheet music. Here are some pictures of my place with my "new" antiques:
This is the cabinet thing I got.


This is my desk.


This is the victrola case that store my sheet music.


And, this is my accent table. You can't see the inlaid wood from this picture that well, but it nice.

So, now that I have my camera here at work, let me walk you though my place:

Dining Room:


Living Room:




My Bedroom:




Guest room/office:



My little accent table sits between the two bedroom doors...trying to cover up the air conditioner closet. My kitchen is small, nothing interesting in there, and my bathroom is the same way.

So now that you have seen my home, and know that it is livable (ha ha ha), stop by sometime for a visit. If it gets late, stay over night. I don't want it to seem that I am boastful of my home, I am very grateful that I have been able to collect all this stuff, and don't live in a "frat house." When I first moved out of my parents house at the age of 18, I made a huge mistake of buying stuff to fill my apartment...filled up a credit card that took me five years to pay off. So, I am proud that I inherited Granny's garage sale "trait."

It is Monday, a new week with new possibilities. Let's make it a great week!

Sex and the City

My friend, Alyssa, and I went to see "Sex and the City" on Tuesday. I loved it. I have missed the girls the last few years.

I know some might find this show/movie to be provocative, but what I really appreciate about it is that it follows the lives of great friends. I love how they are all different people, with different circumstances surround their lives, but they all have the same thing in common -- each other. It is easy to see that they all don't agree that each decision the others make, but they are there for each other.

I started thinking of my closest friends through out my life: Carisa Dewees, Josh King, Bethany Kuykendall-King, Jacob Blakenship, Emily Hanson, Mark and Marla Kuykendall, Mark Tobey, Danielle, Brooke, John D. and Alyssa. I am sure I have skipped some, but these people became such great friends during pivotal times of my life. I miss so many of them now, since life has taken us down different paths.

I think one of the greatest gifts in life are friends. They are great strength and support during rough times. I like how movies can teach one to be grateful for different aspects of life.

I loved the movie...I know some don't like "Sex and the City" but lessons can be learned from every situation in life.

I am off to lunch...SlimFast again. Gotta make up for yesterday.

For shame....

Ok, so during lunch today, I went to Frisco to help my friend pick up some furniture she bought yesterday. We stopped at McDonalds for lunch. Let me remind you that I have been doing the SlimFast diet the last three weeks. I pretty much blew it today. For lunch, I had:

1.
And to add to that, I had:
2.

Needless to say, I might have ruined the diet that I have painstakingly been working at the last three weeks.

But at the same time, I loved it all. YUM!!!!

I hope everyone is having a great day...I know my tummy is!

I almost forgot....

Today happens to be this beautiful lady's 18th birthday. Miss Alyssa Joy Pevehouse has been a joy in my life for 18 years...CAN YOU BELIEVE IT? Alyssa is one of the sweetest persons you will ever meet. She has a very tender spirit that is extremely encouraging to everyone with whom she comes in contact. I remember the day she was born. She brought so much change to our family's dynamics. She is the only sister I have. God has great plans for her, and I am so excited about the paths she is taking in life. I know she is going to succeed in life. I am so proud to call her my sister!

The weekend

What a busy, fast paced weekend I had!!!! On Saturday, my roommate, Brooke moved. I went over and helped her unpack some and helped hang some stuff up on the walls. She has a lovely home with a beautiful view from her balcony. It over looks a creek. I love the area of Plano where she now lives. I used to work about 1/4 of a mile from her apartment. I am so happy for her, but already miss her.

I came back to my place late Saturday afternoon to start the arduous process of rearranging, organizing, cleaning and redecorating. I surprised myself by getting everything done but my bedroom that night! Spreading all my stuff out over the whole duplex makes it look less cluttered. By 11, I was beat. I crawled into the shower and then to bed. My legs were throbbing from being on them all day. By 11:30, I was out.

I woke at 8 on Sunday morning still feeling the after shocks of the move. I had my SlimFast and coffee then went to church. The pastor is doing a sermon series on the Ten Commandment. Yesterday was #4 "Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy." He used "Ferris Bueller" as the object lesson. He explained that God set up this schedule for us to keep up balanced physically, emotionally and spiritually. I had never heard this commandment explained this way before. God wants us to set a day aside where we can totally "check out" so that he is the only focus of that day...in return, we get rested and rejuvenated. The reason the Ten Commandments were created was for our benefit. When we follow them, not only does it strengthen our relationship with Him, it makes our lives here on earth easier...we become more balanced.

After church, we went to Jalapeno's for lunch. Since being on this SlimFast diet, I don't eat full meals like that much. I ate like a pig. I had chicken enchiladas with sour cream sauce and a chicken taco. Thank goodness I got the all you can eat plate...I had two servings. After lunch, we went to Wal-Mart to pick up a few items.

My parents are letting me borrow a bed for my guest room. It is was my dad's bed from when he was growing up. I like having stuff with history tied to it. Alyssa, Shane and Trent helped me get that bed set up; making my guest room/office complete.

We finished in enough time to go back to church where we had a "pizza party." It was a fellowship where the staff gave updates. On August 10, the church is going to be moving into a permanent building. Right now they are meeting at Bill Bates Cowboy Ranch. It is a cute building, but not really conducive for a church service. The lighting is bad, the acoustics are awful...not to mention the bar that is transformed in the the donut display. It is exciting to hear of their progress. The staff is really inspiring.

On the way home from church, my parents stopped by my place to see the progress I have made with the place. My parents hardly ever come to my home, so it was a treat that they stopped over.

After the family left, I dove head first into my bedroom. I wanted to get my house done before starting a new week. Guess what...MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!! I finished my room about 9:30 last night. I am very pleased with the way it all turned out. I am excited that I have a guest room and can entertain guests. I think Cappie really misses Brooke and her cat, Punk. We slept in the guest bed last night. I wanted to try out the mattress. I slept so good. The twin mattress is a better one than my full mattress. Maybe I will sleep in the guest ever so often.

So, I said all that to say this: I have room for people to come visit me and stay at my house now. I don't share a house with roommates, so feel free to come and stay a while.

Love and Blessings -- Jared

A great week so far...

I don't think I have ever been so busy at work, which is a very good thing. Last week I decided to start making small changes in my everyday life to see what the effects would be on my work life. It has been a very rewarding exercise. I have started a diet...if you call it that. I am drinking slimfast for breakfast and lunch, then I have a "more healthy" meal for dinner. I am trying to cut out the take-out/fast food side of dining. Living without a family means that I have to cook a meal that is small enough for me. That is so difficult. It is so much easier to just pick up a single serving for just one. However, I am putting that part of eating out to an end.

I am also trying to get a good night's rest every night; although last night I couldn't sleep. And, all these small changes are making a difference in my daily work. Yesterday, I closed a sale...YIPPIE! Today I have a meeting at 11 to discuss another possible sale. Then tomorrow, I have a phone conference set for 2 that is another sale to close. I am excited about getting involved with sales. It stretches me...I am not accustomed to selling a service. It is difficult for me to sell something if I can't see or feel it. But, the more I am involved with every aspect of the company, the more I am able to understand, allowing me to be more effective with sales.

My roommate, Brooke, moves this weekend. So, just Cappie and I will occupy 109 S. Kentucky! At first, I thought about getting a cat for Cappie to play with during the day, but I do not have enough energy to litter box train a cat. I will have to see how Cappie will adapts to being home alone once Brooke and her cat moves.

I had lunch with my parents' pastor yesterday. He is a great guy who truly has a pastor's heart. This was the second time we have visited over lunch. I really appreciate his concern and interest with me and my life. I have reservations about going to church with my parents...and I think Craig understand that. He understands that I am completely burned out on church. He doesn't criticize me about that; he can understand why I feel the way I do about church. He also wants to help mend some brokenness that my relationship with my mom and dad have. I have lots of questions, and he doesn't pretend to have an answer for all of them. He wants me to be me, just with the strengthening of God's power. I really appreciate his friendship.

I am so not a summer person. Other than shorts and a tan, I don't think I would miss Summer if we skipped from Spring to Autumn. It stormed a little last night, so that cooled the temperature a little. But with rain comes humidity. I hate humidity. When I lived in California, I hardly ever sweat. All I have to do here in Texas is step out the front door and I am covered in sweat drops. I wish the outdoors had a thermostat that we could set. Wishful thinking, huh?

Well, it is hump day, so I hope the downward slide to the weekend is pleasant for everyone! Talk with ya soon!

Every Season

Yesterday evening, after I got home from work, I visited with my neighbor, Gigi. We were talking about the lessons we learned through each season of our lives. Of course Gigi, being almost 80, has learned a whole lot more that I have. We also talked about the "shoulda, coulda, woulda" times in our lives. I made the comment that my late twenties are being spent cleaning up the mess of my early twenties. Gigi reminded me that everything has a purpose. She stated that through the bad decisions that I had made earlier in life, I learned more about life and more about who I am, and what I can overcome.

I never looked at circumstances in the light of learning more about myself. I just figured they were lessons I needed to learn. Gigi reminded me that because of the obstacles that I placed in my path, I learned how to stop from encountering them again...to stop bad habits and behaviors. And that is true. So, in all, I can't wish I had never done some of the things I did.... Season change, and so so people.

I think back to the different eras of my life. Even as a child, I learned valuable lessons. Yesterday, I learned a valuable lesson. It seems the older I get, the more valuable, and sometimes more severe the lessons can be, but over all each season helped create what I am today. God molded me through each stage, and I am glad that I knew His presence was with me the whole time...even when it seemed at times He shouldn't be.

Nichole Nordeman is a Christian musician, and she wrote the most beautiful song that kinda captures this whole idea in a nutshell. Please listen...I know you will understand why I was so encouraged by it.

He's making a way!

I think we have all heard since children that God will provide for us. He doesn't necessarily give us everything we think we want, but he does have our interests at heart. I know this...been taught for years. You'd think that I might have learned that. But, being the cynical person that I am, I often forget that trait of God.

I have been stressed lately.... My roommate moves July 13. Normally, I'd be panicking and scratching to find a replacement roommate. I have known for a while that I didn't want a roommate after Brooke leaves (Brooke is irreplaceable.), so the stress of figuring out more income to provide for the bills that will soon be doubled has risen to extreme highs the last few weeks. But, I can testify that God is providing. He is allowing me to learn more aspects of the company for which I work. I actually understand the stuff we do, and I can actually explain it to people. This all makes the sales aspect of my job so much easier. Within the last week, I have had 3 very strong leads. One is almost completed...just have to iron out a few technicalities. I had a lady walk up to me this morning asking about our services, and it looks like she will be jumping on board with us soon. God is providing! Having some sales experience really helps with the nerves when I actually get on the phone with prospective clients.

God's taking care of me. I don't understand Him or his timing at times, but he proves himself to be faithful over and over...even when I am not. I realize that God is allowing all this for a purpose.... He is teaching me that he still keeps an eye on me, and that is extremely reassuring.

Anyway, just wanted to share that will everyone. Listen to the song. It uses the analogy of the children of Israel pinned between pharoh and the red sea. Seems kinda fitting for me lately. Janet Paschal is the author of the song. The last few years have been a trip for her. I think it was in 2000 when Janet got married...I believe she was in her forties when her day finally arrived. Then in the recent past few years, she has had to deal extensively with breast cancer, so she really understands what it feels like to be hopeless. She is a great encouragement to me, so I wanted to pass her song on.... Enjoy!

Balloon Festival

This weekend, Celina hosts its 3rd annual Balloon Festival. 18 hot air balloons will be blown up and taking off and landing here in Celina. My friend is the president of the Chamber of Commerce here, and so I get roped into helping with different things whenever there is a chamber event.

Tomorrow will be the big day. There is supposed be a lift off tonight, but I am pretty sure it is too windy for them to take off to night. Winds cannot be over 12 miles per hour. It is a little windy today. Last year, it rained everyday of the month of June, so there was the festival last year, but not flights. Hopefully we can actually see some balloons in the air this year.

I love festivals like these in small towns. When we lived in Cordell, Oklahoma, they had a pumpkin festival in the fall. I love the close community that small towns have. In 1998, I was in Oklahoma at my grandparents house and went to a Peach Festival in Stratford, Oklahoma. Of course, these functions are always outside and hot, but they are fun.

I love festival food. There is nothing better than being able to eat a smoked turkey leg, funnel cakes and cotton candy all in the same place. I know it isn't healthy, but a splurge once a year is well worth it! I plan on having a funnel cake and some potato spirals. yum.

I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend!

The Weekend is right around the corner

It is early Friday afternoon. The sun is shining. I am eating a snow cone...a Bob The Builder snow cone. It is actually a blend of flavors...Margarita, Pina Colada and Pineapple. Yum

I finished my book this morning. I woke, wide awake, at 6:30 this morning. So, after I made the coffee, I went to my rocking chair and read until I finished the book at 8:05. I have really enjoyed this last week spending a lot of time reading. It helps me relax and rest. I don't think I have rested so much during a week as I have this last one. I kinda like it!

I do not have any plans for the weekend. I am quite excited about that. I am gonna try and get laundry done this evening so I won't have to worry about it the rest of the week.

I think I might go over to my fried, Alyssa's house this afternoon after work. Perfect start to the weekend. I love hanging out with friends.

Quiet Evenings

Up until the first of this month, I was extremely busy. Now that we have moved on towards the end of the month, I am still busy, but extremely less busy. All my busyness happens during the day or on the weekends. So this whole week, I have been going home after work and just relaxing. I turn on the TV out of habit. I think I like the background noise. But, the thing I have enjoyed most the last three evenings has been going into my bedroom, sitting in my rocker, propping my feet up and reading most of the evening. I am not a big reader, although I have read more in the last three years than I had ever before in my life. I really enjoy reading biographies. I love reading people's stories. Every life is so different, sure some have similar experiences, but it is interesting to see how people relate to similar scenarios.

I am reading the biography of Mark Tewksbury. He won Gold, Silver and Bronze medals in 1992 at the Barcelona Olympics in the swimming competitions. He struggled with coming t terms with being gay in an environment that had no room for homosexuals. Reading his biography lets me know that I am not the only person out there who deals with life changing as a result of being honest about one's true self. He is a great roll model. He overcame some obstacles, heart ache and loss and maintained a positive life that is guided by integrity.

In the end, that is how I would like to have been known. Even though my life may not match up to everybody's standards, I want to be known as a man who loved life and wasn't afraid to follow what he knew to be right. I truly see the benefits of trying to make the best choices every time an option is presented.

Cappie did not sleep well last night. She was up wandering the bed most of the night which made me sleeping a bit of a problem. At 4 this morning, I was wondering if I would be able to fall back asleep. I did, but woke up at 6:30....my alarm goes off at 7. I got up, fed the the animals, and started reading again this morning.

The weather has been very odd. It stormed heavily on Tuesday and yesterday morning. This morning it stayed dark until about 9:30. The sun it now out, but has clouds moving in from the distance. I remember last year...it rained every day in the month of June.

Well, I need to get some work done. Hope everyone has a great day!

Regrets

Usually I am not one to wish that I had made different choices in my life. Some choices had consequences that sucked. Some greatly effected my life. But, I don't regret learning the lessons that I experienced during each difficult time.

One area that I do have a regret though is in sports. I have never enjoyed sports. I don't like being outside long enough to complete a full game. I don't like having to run and sweating. Oddly, when I do play, I can hold my own. I am not saying that I am the best at any of the sports. In basketball, I am horrible at offense, but in defense, I can cover a player so well that they have a hard time scoring. In baseball, I can't throw the ball that far at all...I usually am in the out field and run the ball half way in before I throw it. However, when it comes to batting...I am pretty good. Football...here's the deal, I hate football, I broke my collar bone playing football Thanksgiving morning 1996. I can't throw the ball, I can't block worth anything; but I can catch and out run others. I enjoy playing volley ball ever so often. But that is the extent of my sporting.

I wish I enjoyed playing, watching, or even talking sports. There are so many "communities" built around sports. So many stories are told that involve sports. Many TV events are sports related. Small town football games, college parties, and of course professionals....all this is lost with me.

I am on a mission to find a sport that I will be good at and that I will ENJOY!!!!

Father's Day Weekend

So I had a full weekend. A lot happened, a lot didn't happen. Parts of the weekend dragged on forever, and parts of it sped by quickly?

On Friday, my friend, Alyssa, and I went to my house and relaxed and watched Clean House for a few hours. She went home and Brooke, my roommate, and I had dinner at Pounders. It was fun hanging out with her. We don't get to hang out as much now that she works in Flower Mound. We came home, and started karaoke-ing to some burned CDs that had our favorite songs on it. I must admit, we can harmonize incredibly at times. We soon got tired and went to sleep.

I was woken by my phone ringing on Saturday morning. It was my dad. He invited me over to biscuits and gravy. Scott, Becky, and Sarah Beth had arrived late Friday night. So, I went over to hang out with them. We had a great breakfast. After breakfast and the girls got ready, we went to Frisco and shopped at Half Priced Books, Sam Moon's, Wal-Mart, and Mardels. I got some new sheet music, a Nicole Nordeman CD, and a lot of cleaning supplies and stuff. I had a nice visit with my mom. We hadn't really spoken for a while. When we got back from shopping, dinner was ready. My dad has smoked a brisket and bologna. We had a great "Father's Day" celebration. After eating and visiting for a while, I went home. I then got a call from my old roommate. She wanted to know if I wanted to come play farkel. So I went over and played farkel til about 10. I was asked to be a groomsman in their wedding. It seems like all my friends are getting married this year. It will be fun. It is kinda like a country wedding. I will be wearing a tuxedo jacket and tie, but I will also be wearing wranglers and a cowboy hat. It will be fun.

I woke up Sunday morning to go to the church where my parents attend. I got up early to go to the early service. I didn't want it to seem that I was just going to church for my parents. I rode with a lady I work with. Anyway, got to church, and my parents were there. ha ha ha. My brother James was preaching at his church and they were gonna go to hear him speak, but didn't want to miss their church either. I am glad that I went. I am not sure if I will go again. I appreciated the kind spirit of everyone I met. But I have reservations when it comes to being busy in Christian work. I don't believe that one should keep himself so busy that he doesn't have "time" to acknowledge issues in his own life. What happens when there is "down-time"? Does that mean the Christian man suddenly faces reality and backslides? I don't know exactly how express this area of concern. I know that there is a serious side of God and that He is powerful, but I also believe that we often miss out on the loving affectionate side of Him too. I don't like the "me + self denial(self hate) = God is glorified" stance on God's true identity. Yes, we are to fear him, but we are also supposed to love Him. I have never been able to love someone completely if I am always living in fear of him. There has to be a happy median. The service reminded me a lot of my high school youth group days. Although I have extremely fond memories of those times, I also see that I have matured as a person. We can't live life without acknowledging certain aspects of who we are. God calls us as we are, with all that we are ... he doesn't wait until we have one "struggle" mastered. I don't know.... I am very glad that I went to church yesterday, but I left a little confused. I got home from church at 10:30, so I had the whole day, pretty much, to get my laundry and stuff done. And I did!!! Laundry is all caught up.
I have a down comforter, but I haven't been using it since it is white and it is dirty. The care instructions say that it needs to be dry cleaned. It costs $35 to get it dry cleaned; I only paid $40 for it. See my issue? So I put it in the washer. I used a lot of oxy-clean. After it came out of the dryer, I was so pleased to find that it is as white as when I first purchased it. And, it is just a fluffy and warm. I am not saying to wash it every week, but I am so happy to know that it doesn't have to go to the cleaners.

Today seems to be a great day so far. Everyone is back from their weekend trips, and the office is full again. Anyway, I hope everyone has a great day! Talk with you soon!

Friday

Friday the 13th.... ha ha ha

Okay, now that I have that out of the way, Good Morning!!!! It is Friday, the weekend is a few hours away. There is reason to smile.

Cappie woke me up this morning. She wasn't feeling well. Thank God, it was right as my alarm was about to go off. I am pleased to report that Cappie is back to normal. It started my morning early though. I drank way too much coffee. Oh well...at least I will stay awake today.

My friend, Dana, came over last night. She is a friend of mine from when I was a server at Randy's Steakhouse. She was actually the first person I trained with back in 2003. I can't believe it was that long ago. Dana has kinda become a life coach for me. She had a lot of the same mistakes and set backs that I have had, so her advice and wisdom is great, and greatly appreciated. I am so grateful for friends. There is nothing better than a friend who brings a smile with her!!!

I hope everyone has a fantastic weekend. Catch ya next week!

New Week with New Worries

Doesn't it seem that life skips by from one worry to another now-a-days? I was so relieved and happy when my friends' wedding was over. I could relax. Nothing to worry about. Yeah right.... I remembered that this weekend is Father's Day...a family holiday. This just raises new anxieties in me. I think I am supposed to be giving my mom space and not going around, not talking with, and not trying to mend a relationship....whatever. Since it is Father's Day, do I show up? Do I just drop a card by early in the morning? Do I just call him? It's Father's Day, I know; but tension radiating off my mom could ruin a great day. However, if I don't show up, this could be fodder for the fire.

My brother, Scott, and his family are coming to town this weekend too. Am I allowed to show up and say hi? I doubt they would want to come to my place since the only communication between us is pretty much just my mom.

I have two brothers that have given me total support. That is a huge relief and foundation.

I miss family....

Weekend Re-cap

This weekend might have been the most I have ever been stressed about a wedding. I have never played so many parts in the planning and executing of a wedding. But it was such a blessing to be a part of. Everything turned out perfect. Alyssa was pleased with every aspect of her wedding. Here is how the celebrations started:

Thursday - We (the family and I) had manicures and pedicures. Then we had lunch at the country club. We received only half the flowers in the mail that day. We start panicking. My evening ends early. I go home and get laundry done.

Friday - I got a call from Kim (Mother of the Groom) that she would be at my house at 10:30 to pick me up for shopping. We were gonna replace the flowers that didn't arrive. That time got pushed back to 11, then 11:30, so I decided to ride my bike out there. After I got there, the rest of the flowers arrived. We continued to work on flowers, luminaires, etc. Then we all broke apart to get ready for the rehearsal. It was supposed to start at 7, however, I didn't get picked up until 7:20. We were late. The rehearsal was a typical rehearsal. Then we went to Manny's for the dinner. It was a fabulous mexican buffet. My friend Lynzie joined us after the eating. It was fun. We went back to the reception site(The groom's parents' home). We all visited for a while, then Lynzie and I went back to my house for a bit. I got in bed at 3 in the morning.

Saturday - The wedding day was frantic. I got over to the house to start working on the flowers. We worked until about 3 on the flowers. Then I started on the mother of the bride's hair. Then at 4:30 Danielle and I went over to the house where the bride, her sister and all the girls in the wedding were waiting for me to arrive and do their hair. I finished everyone at 6:20. I then had to get back to my house and shower, shave, and put my suit on. Needless to say, I was late. I spent too much time getting everyone else ready that I didn't have enough time to get ready. I got to the church at 7:05. It was supposed to start at 7. I walked into the back of the church. Had enough time to pose for a pic with the bride, then walked out to the piano and started playing. It all turned out perfect. It was hot though. The church was packed and the air conditioner couldn't keep up. It was a beautiful Episcopal service. After the wedding, we went to the reception where we had the best time. It was such a special celebration of two wonderful people. The bride and groom left at 1 in the morning, then the party dwindled until there were about 10 of us left at 5 in the morning. I went home and crashed.

Sunday - I woke up by 9, but wished I had been able to sleep a lot more. I had decided that I was not going to the "Day After Brunch." However, I went. They opened all their presents. We then went back to the groom's parents house and swam until 11 that night. It was fun.

It was so nice being a part of this weekend. I loved the feeling of the family being so close. My heart ached a little as I wished that I my family was just as close. I loved being a part of the weekend, but at the same time, I had a sense of jealousy, too! I will post some pics when I get them.

Last night I finally had the emotional melt-down that I was in dire need of for the last few weeks. My brother, Eric, called me. He made sure that I knew that I had his support in my life. We always shared a room growing up. But, it hasn't been until the last few years that Eric and I have built a friendship. His encouragement was received at the most perfect time! I cried and cried all evening long. I went to bed by 9. When I woke this morning, my eyes were so swollen from crying. But, the emotional relief is fantastic.

I have a meeting with the pastor of my parents' church today. Last Tuesday, he came into my office to speak with me. He wants me to start going to church. However, I have great reservations about going to church where my parents attend. I don't think we are able to. Their beliefs and mine are different. So I don't want to attend somewhere if I can't be my honest self. And, I don't think that is a possibility if I go to church where my parents go. I realize the importance of church to them, so I had rather just step away. So, needless to say, I am nervous about the meeting.

Well, I better get some work done! Hope everyone has a fantastic day!

Winds of Change

The wind is blowing today...pretty hard. Riding my bike to work was more of a work out than usual. I love the warm spring winds. I always seem to get nostalgic this time of year. I get dejavu every spring. i forget how much I love this time of year. I hate that it is hot at times, but it is the refreshing breezes that make it so enjoyable...the breezes that are mixed with pollen, humidity, the smell of fresh cut grass. It is the feelin

Isn't that how life can be at times though. Life can be so trying and "hot" at times. Honestly, this last week took me to the "edge", but today, I received the refreshing "breeze of serenity" that we are all in dire need of at times. Thank you God! I don't like that life takes us though circumstances where we end up asking God why at times, but I am grateful for the moment when I realize that He is so much wiser, His ways are so much higher.

This song makes me think of days like this:

Melancholy

So, it has been a while since I last blogged. It's not that I don't have some great events to write about, it's just that I have been in a melancholy funk and don't really see my happenings with any exciting importance.

I went to Oklahoma this last weekend. My niece's birthday was celebrated this last weekend. I had fun hanging out with my cousins and siblings. We painted my brother and his wife's house since he is away in the military. Unfortunately, that turned into a huge argument between me and my mother. It is a shame that every time my family gets together with mixed generations, there always seem to be some kind of misunderstanding and an argument follows. This time it involved me with my mom...kinda odd that we decided to argue up in Oklahoma...we could have stayed here in Celina for that. I am glad that we were able to get the painting done for Whitney. I enjoy visiting with her. She and Katie are such a great additions to our family. Katie got a lot of great presents.

Saturday evening, my cousins, their spouses, my brother James, and I went to Toby Keith's I Love This Bar. I had never been. It was fun getting to visit with just our age group. I wish I lived closer and was able to hang out with my cousins more often. We are quite the diverse group. I am so glad that we are learning to appreciate each other more the older we get.

It is a beautiful day here in Celina. Makes me want to stay outside. I am very fortunate to have a desk right next to the big window. I get to see everyone who drive through downtown Celina. It is one of the treats of living and working in a small town.

The pastor of a new church her in town came into my office today and sat at my desk and visited with me about starting to attend their church. He understands the reservations I have about going to church right now, and some of my views of life. We are going to have lunch together on Tuesday to visit more in depth. I really appreciated him coming in and visiting with me. He is a nice guy. I look forward to our visit next week.

Tomorrow is the last day of work this week for me. My best friend, Alyssa, is getting married on Saturday. I will be working on the wedding the last two days of the week. I am really excited that she and John D. are getting married. They are a great couple. I love when couples are truly in love now-a-days. It will be a fun weekend. I am sure I will be glad when it is all over though.

Well, I guess I had better get some work done. Have a great day/week/weekend.

High Scool Days

So my sister is 17...did you get that, 17!!! I can't believe how grown up she is. This next weekend is her prom. I can't believe she is old enough for the prom. Anyway, two of her friends came over last night to get their hair colored for prom. Did I also mention that they made me feel so old. I can't believe how young high school seniors look now-a-days. I remember when I was in junior high, I thought that seniors looked so mature and stylish. Now I look at them and think they need to have life hit them a few times with reality...then let's have a conversation.

Did I used to be that shallow? Lord, I hope not! I am so grateful that I am no longer that age. I feel sorry for them, because I know life's lessons can be hard...they have no idea what is ahead.

Live and learn...knowledge is what is learned, wisdom is how the knowledge is applied!

Yes...I can be so shallow

Ok, here's the deal. Status usually doesn't phase me. I love the finer things in life, however my budget doesn't allow that life. Anyway, I usually think I can adjust to any status...even if I am the lower rung on the ladder. On Saturday night, my friend, Lynzie, and I went to visit her boyfriend in Dallas. He is loaded. We went to a mexican dinner at Blue Goose. Anyway, here's the kicker: we rode in his Bentley. Oh my gosh, I felt so luxurious. It was breathtaking.

I had a wonderful weekend. Got my house cleaned.

I didn't spend Mother's Day with my mom...but I did talk with her twice yesterday. I made her a flower arrangement. I think it my be the best arrangement I have made. It has spring flowers. I found a basket that was empty at her house to put it in, and after giving it to her, she told me that it was my basket from my desk at IFL. That was like 5 years ago...I had forgot about it.

I wish the weekend could have lasted a day longer, but I am glad I accomplished a lot of work this weekend. I hope everyone has a lovely day!

Calling myself into conference

I was home by myself last night. Brooke was at her boyfriend's and I was home with Cappie and Punk. I watched Dancing with the Stars, then the night was empty. It gave me a lot of time to think. Normally, I keep myself busy so I don't have to think too much. But, last night I had a little conference with myself to set some short term goals.

1. Finances - Brooke has informed me that she wants to move. So, I look at this as an opportunity to set up to the plate and buckle down and actually live by a budget. I feel that I am progressing from where I once was, but there is still room for improvement. I have decided that I must be more aggressive about making sales calls. Comfort can be so crippling at times, and I don't want to be guilty of being comfortable.

2. Fitness - Over the last three years, I have gone from 192 pounds down to 170. Sure that is great, but I know that I am not at my healthiest weight. I want to be at 165. I know this doesn't sound like a lot, but I have hit that plateau at 170. So, I have decided to take up walking. I am going to start walking (very briskly) Monday, Wednesday, and Friday mornings. I haven't adjusted any physical activities..no pain no gain (not literally...not wanting to gain...just lose)

3. Family - I am learning that, even though we have the same blood running through our veins, we can be completely different. And, that's ok. We all have differences that help build up the family. I guess I am having to change my way of thinking on somethings.

Well, I hope everyone has a fantastic day. It is raining here in Celina, but that won't stop it from being a great day.

Laying a part of me to rest....

I have never been good a grieving. I am too emotional of a person to grieve properly. I try not to deal with raw emotions...sometimes it hurts too badly.

I never looked at growing up as putting to rest my youth. I'm not saying I am getting old, simply life changes as one gets older. One of the aspects of my youth is the close relationship I had with my parents. I depended on them relentlessly, and they did the same with me...so much so that most would say we were way too co-dependent. Coming out has put a damper on our relationship. But, the part that really upsets me is that fact that I have never changed...I just became audible. Voicing what my true identity is has been a truly freeing action. I hear the phrase "Hate the sin, Love the sinner" often. It totally puzzles me. This phrase has been over used. I am told I am wrong for "coming out." However, I am not in a relationship right now, I do not frequent gay bars/clubs, and I am not living a promiscuous life either. At what point has the title become a sin instead of an action? Am I sinning by saying I am gay? Or is it the act of sex that is a sin? I don't know! I am so exhausted about thinking about this that at times, I don't care anymore.

Honesty -- I crack up with disbelief when I listen to my past being used against me. Of course I was dishonest, I was too scared not to be. The last two years have shown me how important being honest really is. I will be the first person to tell you that I have made horrible mistake in my past, but the process of learning from past mistakes has taught me a lot. Life is a process. I can't go back and change past regrets...I can learn from those mistakes and make sure the future is not littered with the same obstacles and lessons that haunted my past.

So, in a way, this weekend felt sort of like a funeral. I had to lay to rest the thought of having a close friend relationship with some family and realize that I have beautiful and vivid memories for a reason. Some friendship are only for a season. That hurts. But that's life, I guess.

I hope everyone has a beautiful day. Take sometime to realize that life is a beautiful gift, it's ours from God!

Frustrations......

Julie, let me preface this by saying this has nothing to do with you....I truly appreciate your love and prayers. I just have a few frustrations with others.....

I am irritated
Current mood: irritated

I understand that many people do not see eye to eye with me on different issues that concern my life. I don't want people to automatically believe that I am correct. It took 25 years for me to build my beliefs. The only thing that I request is that I be given enough credit that I have a relationship with God, and that I experience Him on a daily basis. I have not thrown away all the morals and guidelines to live life by that I was taught as a child.

I am really having a difficult time with people that openly claim the title "Christian." Why am I so wrong that I am open about my life? I am sick of "judgment" being camoflauged as "Expressed concern." I am truly grateful for prayers...that is completely different. But, at the same time, I would like to offer to those people that I am praying that God opens their minds and hearts to see that God is so much bigger than what has been the "norm" for years. I know God has a plan for me...I believe I am fulfilling it.

For years, I have always felt that I was a second-rate Christian...that I was constantly backslidden. I never looked at God as a compassionate being that has my best intentions at heart. But, now I do. I believe God is big enough to change me...I have prayed for years for that to happen. It never has. I would stay depressed when I would pray and plead with God to change me. I was so depressed that a couple of times I tried taking sleep aid to sleep my way to heaven. GOD WAS BIGGER THAN THAT TOO!!!!! I have to believe that God created me, the way I am, who I am and what I am for a specific purpose. I totally understand the process of surrendurance. Not to a lifestyle or to a person or to a life of sin...but a surrendurence to the life I was created to live.

Again...I am not saying to have to agree with everything I say....More than likely, you will say stuff that I don't agree with, but that is the process of life. We are not an island unto ourselves. We cannot create a society of clones who live the same life, believe the same views, and go to the same church (if go to church at all).

Here's the deal...God is big enough to have a specifically unique relationship with me. My relationship with God has nothing to do with my parents...after all, God doesn't have grandchildren. Just because I have different beliefs than my parents, doesn't mean that I am far from God. That also doesn't mean that I live a heathenistic lifestyle. Christians paint me in a stereotype that is so false...I have never been a promiscuous person. Whatever...I am to the point where I don't give a rip anymore.

And, no, I do not go to church any longer. I am out on parole for time already served. i didn't miss more than two Sundays in a row in over 23 years. I have separated God from what is known as the church today. In a Utopia, the church would be the spiritual hospital of the community. It also was the charity provider for the community. Widows and orphans were wards of the church. However, the church has stepped aside from these areas and focus more on raising more money to build bigger buildings with wonderful technology, sound equipment, soft pews/chairs, beautiful vestibules, ornate pastor's studies, mission trips to other countries when our country is in dire need. How am I so wrong for believing that through the years, and I mean hundreds of years, the translation of the Bible to English (which was the 16th language to translate to) might have had a few words that didn't not translate precisely. I have found 3 studies that say that the word "homosexual," as we know it to today: two men living in a committed relationship, is not found any where in the original text of the Bible. Play the game where you whisper a phrase into a person's ear and watch it go around the circle...see how much the phrase changes by the time it gets to the end of the circle.

I hope I have not offended anyone by my remarks, but if I am obligated to listen to "Christians" tell me I am wrong, I need some venue to vent my frustrations.

I hope everyone has a Fabulous weekend.

It's a new month!

It is a new month....where did April go? I barely remember it being April. But, alas, May is here, and I am so grateful for the beautiful weather we are having here in Celina. But it is not conducive to my work task. That is the cross I am called to bare...ha ha ha.

The house keeper comes tomorrow. I always laughed at people who would clean their house before the house keeper comes, but I have become one of "those" people. I need to go home today after work and clean the kitchen. I don't clean everything...just the kitchen and make my bed. Everything else is supposed to get cleaned. She doesn't do dishes. I am so grateful for the toilet, floors, and dusting getting done. It really does take a load off me.

I am looking forward to a quite evening tonight. Nothing planned, just a good evening off with my baby, Cappie. She still brings a smile to my face every time I see her. She is 6 months old now, so I need to take her to get fixed soon. It makes me sad to think that she will have to have surgery. I might see if my friends could take her for me, so I won't get too upset.

Well, I am gonna get ready to go home. It is a beautiful spring evening. God is good for giving us these special evenings!

Mornings

I am not one to give out advice...I hardly think I have enough wisdom or knowledge to pass on. But, I am gonna give this one piece of advice: Get up early enough in the morning to enjoy it. The last two mornings, I have set my alarm to get up one hour early. Yesterday was hard in the afternoon. I got so tired. I went ahead and kept my alarm set for the same time. I love spring mornings.

I went over to mt parents' house last night for dinner. I had made a pork roast, but didn't want to eat it on Sunday. So, we heated it up and ate it last night for dinner. It turned out pretty good. Then Dylan and I practiced his music. I am trying to remember all the tricks that my professors in college taught me. He is gonna do great. After singing, we watched Dancing With The Stars. I think the end has come for Priscilla Presley.

Well, i am gonna get some work done! Happy Tuesday!

So Long Weekend!

It is a beautiful day here in Celina! I want to stay outside for the rest of the day. During lunch today, I went over to Todd and Ali's house.(Brooke's Parents and my boss) They gave us an over-sided chair. It is smaller than a Love seat but can sit two people closely. So, that means I got to rearrange my house a bit. I moved my rocking chair to my room. I am so glad about that. I like having a chair in my bedroom.

This weekend was my best-friends bachelorette bash. It was a lot of fun. I love the city life. I loved looking out the balcony and seeing beautiful buildings. We were across the street from where the news is filmed. It was cool!

I am playing the piano for my brother, Dylan, this weekend. He has a solo/ensemble contest on Saturday. I am looking forward to it. Dylan is singing Bette Midler's, Wind Beneath My Wings. So, I am taking a roast over to the family's house. It will be a fun evening. I feel like I haven't seen them in a while.

Well, I should probably get back to work, but the beautiful afternoon is making me want to go outside. I hope you are enjoying the afternoon too!